L'Estonie ici, annonçant dans!

You know... I thought about writing things here when I was driving home today, but... now I don't really know what to put. I guess all I want to put down here is...

"I'm sorry."

I realized after about four days of nonstop pain that my birthday's coming up. Only a few more weeks and I hit the big two zero. I should be happy, right...? But... that just means that I'm this close to my time. I... I only have a couple of years left at most, and that's only if I'm lucky.

I'm scared.

I'm always scared.

I try to busy myself with anything and everything I can at whatever cost, and... I don't know. It doesn't help. If I'm stuck sitting around, I desperately try to busy myself just so I don't think about it. But... I'm always thinking. If I think, I realize things. If I realize things... I...

I don't want to die.

There's so many things I want to do.

I want to see Vilma... I want to see Maria. I want to see snow fall. I want to hold hands with the people that are so special to me. I want to feel loved. I... I want to see Vannah. If anything, please... just let me see Vannah at least once. She's my best friend--she's closer than April, even if it hurts to say that. Vannah's the one person I can tell anything to, no matter what it is. She'll listen. She won't judge me. She actually cares, you know...? I can't even hide anything from her.

But I have been. I hide how I'm always hurting. I'm always in pain. But if I tell her, she'll be sad. I don't know what I'd do if I knew that once again, I made her /sad/. I don't like making people sad--especially the ones I care so much for.

The holes are multiplying. They're getting bigger, too. I counted eight the last time Danny was over... E-eight of them. I'm so scared. What'll I do...? What's going to happen? It hurts. My chest always hurts.

I don't want to die.

I can't stop crying... But I know that I'll stop soon. I always do. I'll probably act like everything's fine... I always do that, too. I don't want anyone to worry. I don't want them to be sad. I'm just that stupid "Estonia" kid being weird and creepy again... and that's good. That's normal, right? If it's normal, then people will be happy.

If they're happy, then I am.

I don't want to die.

Am I selfish?

I'm too selfish.

But I don't want to die.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry...

Hey LiveJournal... it's been a while.

I don't really want to burden people with my shit anymore, so I guess I'll just do it here.

For one, I can't take it anymore. I've been changing, and not for the better. I've become paranoid of everyone and everything, so my thoughts and feelings have been on rapid-fire just so I could forget about it all, but it's not like that's helped... and it's probably making a lot of people fed up with me. I've also been writing to get my mind off of some things, but a lot of people have told me that they don't /like/ how I write, so I've been doing it less and less. I've tried drawing, but I get made fun of. I'll watch something? Get made fun of. Talk to people? Never know who's my friend anymore or who'll start something behind my back again.

Two, school has been horrible. It's not that I'm overwhelmed with anything--it's the fact that I simply keep getting scared of little things, like being alone.
I don't like being alone.
It makes me shy. So shy that I don't want to go anymore because I'll be isolated. Sitting in the front row by myself, failing because I just /don't get it/ because I haven't had math in three years? Woah, that's fun. So I don't go. I haven't gone to class in a good while, except for Japanese. I mean, I'll go TO the school... but I'm too afraid to actually go into the classroom.
So I was already on probation due to the past mishaps with the school and my own problems and faults, but now because of how I acting with my math class, I'm going to be suspended in about three or four weeks... meaning I won't be able to take classes for an entire semester.
I don't know what to tell my parents except apologize. Sorry that I'm still your little failure, mom.

Three, money's been so incredibly tight now... getting groceries has been hard as of late. B-but, I mean... we were able to get them on Timmy's birthday weekend, so it seemed okay, you know? But my brother just threw a fit and refuses to eat ANYTHING we bought for him, since it was all mostly for him in the first place. Why on earth does he have to be so goddamn picky? Why does he have to /constantly change his mind on what kind of food he likes/? And then he has the NERVE to say that he wants--no, DEMANDS--to have a $500 camera for his birthday when we can't pay for it.
He's so... /augh/. I hate my brother.
I hate him.
I can't stand him.
It's his fault we don't have money in the first place.
Why the /fuck/ does he expect us to pamper him when he keeps breaking the law and wants US to pay for it? My parents should just send him to military school or something to get him to get his act together, but nope. They love him. Since, you know, I'm the bad kid and he isn't. He's the "perfect child".

Four (and this would probably go with my first rant), RELATIONSHIPS.
It's probably due to my depressions, but my moods and opinions on people just keep changing, like... every day, even--sometimes up to /six times/ a day. I'm constantly lonely, but there are times when I'll look at a close friend and really, really long for them in ways that I don't even understand... and then I'll suddenly just already get bored with them (wtf??) and that's that and I'll look for someone else. I can understand that over a long period of time, but in a matter of minutes?
What the heck is wrong with me?
Not to mention that I'm dragging my feet everywhere I go, pretty much seeming desperate of all things.
And you know what? I /am/ desperate.
Someone... anyone... just pick me back up and help me put myself back together again.

I know I don't have it as bad as other people... I've always known that. But... but god... just... /something/ needs to help me. Something needs to smack me around and help me get my act together, or... I don't know. Anything.

Oh, and on a side note? So much for finding that stylus. I give up with it. I can't even afford a new tablet and I can't find the stylus by itself /anywhere/, so I just give up with it all.

I feel bad for ranting this much, but... at least its somewhere where no one pays attention to me. I don't want to bother anyone with my problems anymore. It just... I think it pushes people away from me, anyway.

Wow... I'm so hopeless. x//3

<3~

Ah... What to say?

I'm getting REALLY behind in my Japanese class, so I'm going to have to cut back on my rp-frenzy. >>'
I have to still turn in that take-home test, workbook pages (as to which I don't even KNOW what pages to do), study and take the kanji quiz I didn't even know about, etc etc. Hopefully I can get it all done over the weekend.

As for good news... OHMIGAWSH I finally downloaded a virtual keyboard and now I can type in Estonian without finding those symbols! ://D
That probably sounds like nothing, but I had a hardcore giggle fit when I got it working. As for even better news, I also managed to get a Russian, Japanese, and French keyboard. Now symbols and doing stuff with my foreign friends can be a breeze~ <3

BY THE WAY I'm doing the RusLiet secret santa event on love_tap and I'm sooooo happy! I can't wait to see what I can do for other people and what I can recieve~! <333 I hope what I do for someone will be to their liking~ x//3

Also, tell me to stop drinking expired sodas. *blegh*

I've been hardcore bonding with my new Liet for the past couple of days and MAN. She's so cool. ;w;
I absolutely adore her! She's so awesome and perfect and alskdjf. <3 I'm sooo glad that I found a Liet that's /perfect/ for the role. My fandom = happy. Seriously. I can now roleplay my favorite pairing and... gosh~... <3
*fangasm*

Sweet zombie JESUS this Pumpkin bread is amazing. >8|

So, my internet has been freaking out more than normal recently. How wonderful. I just got a Liet too, damn it! Dx<

Also, Estonia and Finland broke up in my Eurohetalia group.
How... wonderful. I wonder how I'll have Estonia react? I'll probably have him serenade outside Fin's window or something. Pff. I can imagine him holding up his laptop and playing "Baby Come Back" from his iTunes. xD'
Also, loooots of drama from the rest of the group. I'm not sure if I want to really be a part of it, so I'm just going to remain neutral about the entire thing. It's best if I do. Besides, I really care about the few friends I have in the group and I have some on both sides, so... I just really hope that it's solved soon. I don't like seeing everyone so upset. ._.

I also have a lot of family and school stuff to worry about. *sigh* It's not like it's anything /special/, but it's just the usual stress that kinda just adds on every day.

DUDE. I LOST MY STYLUS. Not that anyone reads this or that anyone cares, but that was my tablet's stylus and YES it's STILL missing since Thursday. What the hell? It just... disappeared. I don't know what I'll do without it. ;A;
I really really wanted to work on all of my art stuff this weekend and it's going to be really hard with just my touchpad on my laptop. So... I don't know. Eugh. *headdesk*

I really should post more here and I should also post more often, but... Meh. I'm too lazy for that kinda thing.

NOTE: Casual!Estonia cosplay is totally in the works. J'adore his outfit! <3 I hope it pleases my Japan. xD' Even though over half my friends want me to cosplay Russia now.

*flips table*

I can't stand relationships. I just can't. I could sit here and vent about it all day, but you know what? Whatever.

Wuaaaaah, it's 3:30 and I'm still awake! Why? It seems like I've been having trouble sleeping as of late for some reason.

( Practicing my LJ-cut lolololol. )

Wow, I haven't updated in a long while. Haha!
As an update... Mon ami m'a donné sa tablet! I'm very happy that I was given one, finally. Now I can work on digital art. <3

Ah, also, while I juggle school and the comic that's never worked on, I've managed to get myself into a few fun things.

•  Axis Powers Hetalia RP groups! - I'm Estonia (and sometimes Finland) for two of the groups I'm in, so that's been fun~. I'm also Russia for a couple of friends (since he's always taken in just about everything forever) and that's been wonderful! I miss role playing him. In fact... it was my Liet that got me into one of the groups I'm in on MSN. I thank her for that. <33 (Oh, and she's the perfect Lithuania, too! *swoon*)
• Black Butler (Kuroshitsuji) - Yes, I'm still working on that Noah's Arc Circus picture. Je suis désolé vraiment. I'll get working on that... some other time.  D8
• Renovatio - I SWEAR I'm working on it. Just... bit by bit. I've actually already finished writing the first two chapters. It's just drawing it that's a pain. Maybe I should just post the storyline stuff? *shrug* I've managed to introduce new characters, as well as B.S. a couple of new ones for the sake of plot. *sweatsweat* Is that bad...? Gah. I really should put more effort into it. // There's an anime that has almost the exact same plot and character designs as Renovatio. I'm NOT happy with that. At all. I saw the description for it in the program for A-Fest 2009 over in Dallas, so my friend and I went to go see it... and I stormed out, feeling awful. Every time I try to do something, it's already done. Maybe I should just pull some more stuff out of my ass and somehow form it together--oh wait, that's what I've BEEN doing. Augh. I don't know. It's that reason (*points to the bolded font*) that I haven't been working on it. I'll see what I can do, but I may just give up.
• Umineko no Naku Koro ni - I've only seen a couple of episodes so far, but wow. I like it sooo much. I give thanks to Ashley for this.  :,D

I don't really know what else to put up, but I should probably work on re-scanning the pages that I've already done for Renovatio and just post them already. If anything else happens, I'll try and update or something.

NOTE:  I'M COSPLAYING AS ESTONIA AND ALICE-HUMAN-SACRIFICE!KAGAMINE LEN AT ONICON 2009. If anyone's going to be there, come say hi!  :3